Just one word to sum it all up- Enough. 

Breaking forces

So a breaking force was thrusted upon me on Friday, without warning. The impact has been severe, I've spent all weekend in the pits, dejected and broken beyond repair. Did they really give me an ultimatum, that if things don't change in a given period of time everything might be the end? Have I really been that incompetent, even after toiling away for months, most of the without guidance? Sometimes I've felt like I'm groping in the dark, not knowing what's expected of me, yet being judged on that basis. Some mistakes were entirely due to my oversight, but most are shared. Yet the people sharing ownership of these glitches with me are being praised instead of reprimanded. Am I being too subjective, too kind to myself? For someone whose transition period was only 1.5 weeks long, who was not told explicitly what is expected of her... I don't think I'm looking for excuses to defend myself. No negotiation worked, no pleading had any effect. It was a very aggressive top-down, dictatorial approach, and who deals well with this? Who can function level-headed with a gun pointed at her head?

Poem by Simin Behbahani

O Box, Within Box

O, box within box, walls that enclose me

one day I will escape this onion-like confinement.

One day I will wash my frail body in the light

and let the sun clothe me in its golden robe.

One day my body will gleam with the flash of dawn

like a spear ready for battle, rising slowly as called.

I will apply rainbow's beauty on my face

and let my scarf flutter unbound

I will scatter blue petals in the wind

and praise God in the mountains like a white Lily.

O, onion-like walls, one day when the morning

holds to me its untarnished mirror

I will find myself in full bloom

and you in an inescapeable rot.

Cursed, cursed slowness. To be slow is

to fail. Slowness is shame. slowness is a sin

while speed is noble and adrenaline,

lifeblood. 

When did we abandon the joy of

stillness? When did we reverse the equation,

so that to pause came to mean

incompetence?

What a world we've created, these

intertwined worlds. Racing inventions,

racing to replace every path, possession and

person.

Take a life, split it up equally. Collect your

twenty-fifth hour, your eighth day.

Be jolly- but hurry, or it'll be your life that's

ceased. 

One of those phases where I want to shut everything and everyone out, and just sleep for a long time :(

Vacations don't do it, sweets do, but momentarily.

I think I just need to fill the iPod with my fave songs, and go on a hike or two all by myself. I went on one today with a sweet girl and it really took my mind off things. I just don't want to have expectations of anyone, or anything anymore. I don't wanna socialize, I just wanna push my body- be it at the gym- and feel stronger physically. I think physical strength might just make me stronger inside.